The Story you tell yourself

There are 3 ways to create the life you want (courtesy - Tony Robbins)

1)      Change your Strategy (least effective unless you work on other 2)

2)      Change your Story (Step 2)

3)      Change your State (Step 1)

Today’s post is on How to change your story.

We have a STORY MAKING MACHINE inside our head. Throughout the day, we are telling ourselves stories about what’s going on, JUDGING other people on how right or wrong they are. How good or bad we are at things, and making sense of everything that happens to everyone. It’s a very busy machine as you can imagine.

Heard the term – Spin a yarn??

We have already spun hundreds of these stories and continue to spin more. These stories start spinning into each other and create loops and knots and twists and turns leaving our mind and emotional health – a royal twisted mess!!

Some of these stories would sound like this

1)      I don’t deserve to be loved/ I am worthy of love

2)      Everyone is out to get me/The universe gives me whatever i need

3)      If I relax – I will be left behind /downtime is important for overall health

4)      If I fail – it will be the end of the world / Failure is a chance to learn

5)      The world is a horrible place/The world is a beautiful place etc

There will be hundreds of such stories. The story you choose to identify with will determine the quality of your life. Each one of us has a unique combination of stories.

The problem is that most of us are not even aware of our own stories. The same stories, like chameleons, can change colour depending on the way our memory chooses to remember it or who is repeating it. That’s why different people have different versions of the same event many times.  

I was used to a set of stories too, many years ago..mostly positive ones.

Im a spiritual person and there are always miracles happening in my life. Everyone would love to be me. I rock at public speaking, dancing organising and compering. I am a go to person for a lot of people. My choices are not cool, they're mature and probably boring for others, but they work for me. The universe has my back. I am a natural leader. These beliefs and stories made me make the choices I did.

These were POSITIVE stories.

We usually start building NEGATIVE stories when we encounter failure or unfavourable situations after a great run. We get caught off-guard. If we didn’t see the unfavourable situation(s) coming we tend to blame other people/circumstances for it. This happens with corporates as well as sports teams at a group level too as much as it happens at an individual level.  As humans we hate failure and we always look for a cause outside of our self to blame for failure.

I was a super positive and optimistic person but I too started building NEGATIVE stories in my head when I hit an unfavourable patch.  Some of those are:

1)    I’m the victim – Its not my fault. Its happening to me. It someone else’s fault or the circumstances' fault. I cant do anything about it.  
     This is a fatal story and often goes undetected. We hate accepting that we are in control and we have the power to change things. It’s so convenient to blame a person or situation for the tough times, as it spares us the need to do anything about it. It keeps us stuck and in our comfort zone which is a comfortable place…until it isn’t.

2)     I’m not "HOT" enough – Now it is really funny that I formed THIS story in my head, as I actually had way too much attention from good men coming my way(without making any effort at all), and I had problems dealing with it. So it really isn’t about the situation, it was the story in my head. Why did I form this story? This story is the result of low self- esteem. 
   You could suffer from low self-esteem most likely if you had over - critical parent(s) or authority figures in childhood. The constant criticism would have bruised your self-worth badly and you may not even know it. Even the most beautiful models often have this story. In spite of having a perfect body many of them hate their bodies and believe they don’t have a great nose or legs or they have too much cellulite, etc etc. Its not about the shape of your body but the shape your mind is in – as I learnt later.

3)  The resentment build-up – Whenever a person reacted adversely to me, which was happening a lot in that rough patch, I would fortify myself with resentment. I would walk around with that wall of resentment so I would not be hurt further but my reactions were all coloured and it affected all aspects of my life.  
   Whether we understand or not most of us are able to perceive energy and vibes from other people, so this resentment usually worsens the situations and breeds many more of the same. In fact these days it’s not just face to face interactions, even things like people not liking our posts on Facebook or not following us back on Instagram or being online on WhatsApp but not replying to our messages is enough to make the ‘story making machine’ in our head go into overdrive.

4)     He/she doesn’t love me – If someone didn’t give me what I asked for or even didn’t ask for but expected internally, I would feel hurt and tell myself that person doesn’t love me I would not take responsibility for communicating what I needed, I would just let the wound fester and feel even sorrier for myself and feel more frustrated every time things didn’t go my way.

Our self – esteem is so fragile, it breaks at every small slight, real or perceived.

This is a partial list just to give you an idea.

(For a more detailed understanding of these stories you can read Games People Play by Eric Berne or Your erroneous Zones by Wayne Dyer.)

Just telling myself these stories had made that positive, Inspirational, courageous, radiant and dynamic person into a dull, sad, risk-averse, resentful, scared and frustrated person. I didn’t recognise myself in the mirror for a few years…. Till it came to a point when my stories had made me feel trapped in what seemed an infinite maze with no way out.

 ….and I said ENOUGH!

These stories are not serving me!! They need to change!!

I don’t need to share all these personal details with you, I would have preferred to generalise but I am sharing these with you with the intention of making it slightly easier to recognise your stories, as they are not so easy to spot. They are submerged deep in the sub-conscious and are not so easily available to us, nor are the disempowering beliefs that more often than not we have picked up before the age of 5 years. We may not even remember the events when they were formed. That is why it is important to work with someone like a coach who can be your guide. The mind waters are very choppy and unpredictable.

I heard and read in many places in my personal growth journey that your world changes inside out. Set the INSIDE right and the OUTSIDE falls in place automatically. It sounds unbelievable when you read it, but so many people whom I admire and respect greatly said it, that I decided to give it a shot.

I worked on my own self-worth. Read tons of inspirational and self-help books. Re-started my Meditation practices, took care of my food and exercise. I put up inspirational quotes all around me, started recognising and working on my stories and beliefs, etc and slowly I rediscovered myself and started recognising the face in the mirror once more. Re-built my torn and battered self – esteem to make it “anti-fragile”. Caution – Work still in progress :)

And the magic did happen – the outside world started to fall in place. As I changed my reactions and vibrations on the inside, my external world changed too. And THEN I did believe it!!

So that’s the story for today – the importance of stories….

Your Homework – if you want to recognise your stories, answer these 5 powerful questions by Tony Robbins. They really helped me recognise my stories. 

1)     What has prevented your from crushing it!! From making the huge impact you want to make?

2)     What belief/behaviour/emotional habits do you have ?

3)   What is the story you have told yourself that conflicts with the life you believe you  deserve?

4)     What low standard have you tolerated?

5)     What is it that prevents you from living your dream life?

• Take a good look at each of your answers, outline the common themes. Whatever you find repeating are your most prevalent stories.
• Next step become aware of the stories so you can catch yourself next time you use them. You will use it often enough, just like you reach out for a well-worn garment to feel comfortable.
• Realise that the story is not real, it’s your interpretation and that can be changed anytime you wish.  
• Next step is DON’T PLAY A PART IN THE STORY. Give up your role in that story.
• Think what is the new story you want to tell yourself? Create a stories that supports your dreams and empower you. And use those!

Reach out to me if you need help – write to me at alpa.a.teli@gmail.com, ill guide you through.

All the best – Happy discovering!

Love

Alpa

Coming next – My treasure box – books , talks tools I used to change my state and story!