What women want!! ??

A few months ago, one of our family members, an uncle aged around 70 passed away. He is succeeded by his wife and 2 married daughters. 

He was in a slightly distant relation to my in-laws, and i had not really had the chance to see him much. I did meet his wife (my aunt) more often on social occasions. I always found her quiet, a trifle pre-occupied and hassled, always muttering the socially correct things to say, and merging into the background, never the center of attention at these occasions. 

I had a chance to meet her again a couple of months after her husband passed, at her house. What i experienced made me sit up and take notice, and is also the reason for this blogpost. 

I saw a calm, confident happy woman, with a slight childlike spring in her step, who seemed to have finally come into her own. She was relaxed and making an effort to actually connect genuinely with me as well as with my two kids, with genuine adoration. WOW!!

We usually tend to expect someone who is grieving and reliving memories of her lost loved one. Yeah - ok - stereotype!! :)

I then started recollecting all the other women i knew who had lost their husbands. Yes all did change, but in different ways. It was a mix bag of reactions. Not necessarily all women are emancipated after their spouses pass, or vice-versa. This also is probably more true for the older generation women, as each generation i think gets a little more free than the previous.

I realized at some stage almost all women do come into their own, and there are different triggers for each person or just a gradual comfort, as we women learn to love ourselves for who we are rather than trying to be everything others want us to be!!

In this particular case - probably my aunts' responsibilities were keeping her from really opening up and living life every moment, or probably she was prey to her own self image of aunt and elderly, or her husband wasn't the fun kind..or she had some other problems or issues.. i don't know them very well, so i cant say for sure.

But it made me think - that i am probably heading the same way. I have a passion and unlike many, i have discovered a purpose to life, which i have lived and made life large..My work and Art of Living...

But NOW after my two kids and the responsibilities that marriage brings...

I miss that passion that zest that carefree ness that i loved..

to get up and dance in the rain, travel as i pleased..discover new places..spend hours by the sea watching the sky change colour at sunset or catching up with friends or actually seeing a movie in a movie hall fully absorbed without having to call home every hour... as i feel  inundated by responsibility and circumstances....

I am happy to be building deep bonds with my children....and i know that is important...and i know for sure that the moments of innocent smiles and laughter and gurgles of my kids are as priceless maybe more so, as they light up every corner of our homes and lives....but in a moment of weakness i do allow myself to miss the earlier days too..

What about my responsibility towards myself? My responsibility to be happy? Will i also have to wait till my kids are a little bigger and don't need me as much before i reclaim the life that i feel is mine?

Or is this change more constant than i think it is....and life truly has changed and wont ever go back to what i thought my life should be before i had kids?

In the larger purpose of being available to my children (hence quitting my job and being at home) - i keep scrambling to find some smaller projects or purpose, something way smaller than i am used to doing just to maintain some sanity and meaning to life...

I do however feel that society is wired to conspire against women emancipation....and then i feel maybe im not courageous enough...other women must be doing it right or better!!

I am sure there is a price women with kids pay anyway - whether they work or wish to work or do something else..

There are probably as many ways as there are women...i don't know..but i would like to learn...

Well - so this time in this blogpost - no answers..as i dont know them...

Would just like to invite your thoughts.....please do share them...

Cheers 

Alpa

Truth and Dare?

Whereas I am a great fan of speaking the truth, (It saves me from so much stress of having to remember all the lies), I have this aversion to the ATTENTION I need to pay to say the correct things at the correct time to the right people in the right situation. I think if I have to pay so much attention in speaking the truth - What is the point in speaking the truth? The whole point was to avoid the mess !! (Well I do almost always speak the truth. I have lied for societal purposes on rare occasions to protect my privacy or of that of a dear one.)

So I'm a little lazy about being proper about saying the truth many times....and i realized that  -

Speaking the truth without tact causes more trouble than lying!!!!

At least when you lie, you've not opened up your cards yet and have usually sugar coated what you said or said something which avoids confrontation. So you're safe!! 

By saying the truth in a non-tactful way you invite way more trouble on yourself, because the bitter truth is already out there and its a bomb waiting to explode! 

(Disclaimer - This does not apply to HI! Hello, and superficial weather chit chat conversations, obviously!!!!)

Its like a minefield - If you pay attention where you walk and look ahead or watch out for potential disasters you can avoid them and save yourself much trouble. If you DON'T pay attention, you're going to get blown up - truth or lies!

SO - Lesson to be learnt - FOCUS on HOW you communicate!

1) Verbal Communication- Speech and Action

Say whatever you have to say while giving a little thought to -

Whom you are speaking to and what impact what you are saying will have on them?

What will be the consequences of your words on their world?

What obstacles/resistance would you face?

What is the volume and tone of your voice

2) Non-verbal Communication- feeling, intention and body language

Many times we say the right thing, learned from social experience, but inside we maybe feeling nervous/resentful/anxious/bitter/biased/preoccupied...All of these come across in our communication. So beware. Be calm, compose yourself and speak. Choose your opening line and words carefully. 

It seems  a tall order, but with practice, it becomes second nature and will eventually make you a more centered and relaxed individual, who spends less time fire-fighting and more time at peace and in control of situations.

The most powerful definition of communication I've heard till date is - 

Communication is the response you get!!

If you are not getting the desired response, you are not communicating effectively!!

This is such a life-changing and powerful shift in thinking - Instead of blaming others for not interpreting what you said correctly all the time, you actually take control in your hands and ensure YOUR message gets across they way you intend it to get across.

Well its helped me a lot so far, still have a long way on the path - hope it helps you too!!

Cheers

Alpa