What women want!! ??

A few months ago, one of our family members, an uncle aged around 70 passed away. He is succeeded by his wife and 2 married daughters. 

He was in a slightly distant relation to my in-laws, and i had not really had the chance to see him much. I did meet his wife (my aunt) more often on social occasions. I always found her quiet, a trifle pre-occupied and hassled, always muttering the socially correct things to say, and merging into the background, never the center of attention at these occasions. 

I had a chance to meet her again a couple of months after her husband passed, at her house. What i experienced made me sit up and take notice, and is also the reason for this blogpost. 

I saw a calm, confident happy woman, with a slight childlike spring in her step, who seemed to have finally come into her own. She was relaxed and making an effort to actually connect genuinely with me as well as with my two kids, with genuine adoration. WOW!!

We usually tend to expect someone who is grieving and reliving memories of her lost loved one. Yeah - ok - stereotype!! :)

I then started recollecting all the other women i knew who had lost their husbands. Yes all did change, but in different ways. It was a mix bag of reactions. Not necessarily all women are emancipated after their spouses pass, or vice-versa. This also is probably more true for the older generation women, as each generation i think gets a little more free than the previous.

I realized at some stage almost all women do come into their own, and there are different triggers for each person or just a gradual comfort, as we women learn to love ourselves for who we are rather than trying to be everything others want us to be!!

In this particular case - probably my aunts' responsibilities were keeping her from really opening up and living life every moment, or probably she was prey to her own self image of aunt and elderly, or her husband wasn't the fun kind..or she had some other problems or issues.. i don't know them very well, so i cant say for sure.

But it made me think - that i am probably heading the same way. I have a passion and unlike many, i have discovered a purpose to life, which i have lived and made life large..My work and Art of Living...

But NOW after my two kids and the responsibilities that marriage brings...

I miss that passion that zest that carefree ness that i loved..

to get up and dance in the rain, travel as i pleased..discover new places..spend hours by the sea watching the sky change colour at sunset or catching up with friends or actually seeing a movie in a movie hall fully absorbed without having to call home every hour... as i feel  inundated by responsibility and circumstances....

I am happy to be building deep bonds with my children....and i know that is important...and i know for sure that the moments of innocent smiles and laughter and gurgles of my kids are as priceless maybe more so, as they light up every corner of our homes and lives....but in a moment of weakness i do allow myself to miss the earlier days too..

What about my responsibility towards myself? My responsibility to be happy? Will i also have to wait till my kids are a little bigger and don't need me as much before i reclaim the life that i feel is mine?

Or is this change more constant than i think it is....and life truly has changed and wont ever go back to what i thought my life should be before i had kids?

In the larger purpose of being available to my children (hence quitting my job and being at home) - i keep scrambling to find some smaller projects or purpose, something way smaller than i am used to doing just to maintain some sanity and meaning to life...

I do however feel that society is wired to conspire against women emancipation....and then i feel maybe im not courageous enough...other women must be doing it right or better!!

I am sure there is a price women with kids pay anyway - whether they work or wish to work or do something else..

There are probably as many ways as there are women...i don't know..but i would like to learn...

Well - so this time in this blogpost - no answers..as i dont know them...

Would just like to invite your thoughts.....please do share them...

Cheers 

Alpa

Truth and Dare?

Whereas I am a great fan of speaking the truth, (It saves me from so much stress of having to remember all the lies), I have this aversion to the ATTENTION I need to pay to say the correct things at the correct time to the right people in the right situation. I think if I have to pay so much attention in speaking the truth - What is the point in speaking the truth? The whole point was to avoid the mess !! (Well I do almost always speak the truth. I have lied for societal purposes on rare occasions to protect my privacy or of that of a dear one.)

So I'm a little lazy about being proper about saying the truth many times....and i realized that  -

Speaking the truth without tact causes more trouble than lying!!!!

At least when you lie, you've not opened up your cards yet and have usually sugar coated what you said or said something which avoids confrontation. So you're safe!! 

By saying the truth in a non-tactful way you invite way more trouble on yourself, because the bitter truth is already out there and its a bomb waiting to explode! 

(Disclaimer - This does not apply to HI! Hello, and superficial weather chit chat conversations, obviously!!!!)

Its like a minefield - If you pay attention where you walk and look ahead or watch out for potential disasters you can avoid them and save yourself much trouble. If you DON'T pay attention, you're going to get blown up - truth or lies!

SO - Lesson to be learnt - FOCUS on HOW you communicate!

1) Verbal Communication- Speech and Action

Say whatever you have to say while giving a little thought to -

Whom you are speaking to and what impact what you are saying will have on them?

What will be the consequences of your words on their world?

What obstacles/resistance would you face?

What is the volume and tone of your voice

2) Non-verbal Communication- feeling, intention and body language

Many times we say the right thing, learned from social experience, but inside we maybe feeling nervous/resentful/anxious/bitter/biased/preoccupied...All of these come across in our communication. So beware. Be calm, compose yourself and speak. Choose your opening line and words carefully. 

It seems  a tall order, but with practice, it becomes second nature and will eventually make you a more centered and relaxed individual, who spends less time fire-fighting and more time at peace and in control of situations.

The most powerful definition of communication I've heard till date is - 

Communication is the response you get!!

If you are not getting the desired response, you are not communicating effectively!!

This is such a life-changing and powerful shift in thinking - Instead of blaming others for not interpreting what you said correctly all the time, you actually take control in your hands and ensure YOUR message gets across they way you intend it to get across.

Well its helped me a lot so far, still have a long way on the path - hope it helps you too!!

Cheers

Alpa

RIP Sunanda Tharoor - another lost to fame???

Though I don't know much about Sunanda Tharoor nor am I a fan or follower, the news of her sudden, untimely death as well as the death of some others celebrities like Jiah Khan, Parveen Babi, Divya Bharti, Silk Smitha, Viveka Babajee, Kuljeet Randhawa, Nafisa Joseph etc. really shake me up. (I'm not assuming yet Sunanda Tharoor took her own life, like Jiah Khan or Parveen Babi etc. but just reacting to the fact that she was going through a difficult time.)

 

1. One reason why I am shaken up is being blessed as an Art of Living Teacher, and having seen the impact some basic breathing can have on your life, mind and thinking process, I feel - "There's one more person we could have saved, wish they had done the course or had someone to guide them and share their internal battle then things would have been different."

 

2. The other thing which horrifies me, is that these are people who are supposed to have glamorous lives, have the world at their feet, but yet there is a harsh unyielding emptiness and loneliness which engulfs them. Makes me realise that irrespective of what your profession is, the skill of managing the mind is the most essential.

These people are supposed to be role models, have dream lives and then there is such a dark side to their lives, which we can only imagine. In fact it is FAME that magnifies all the highs and lows in a persons life, making them so much more difficult to deal with for the person.

Fame is such a strong drug, and has taken so many lives. I think if not for their fame, many of these people would have probably dealt with the situation better, sought help, spoken to someone or just gotten over that tough time in anonymity. They would have surely emerged stronger, as we all do, after tough times and had a chance to start life afresh, wiser and happier.
Its bad enough to go through an emotional or financial crisis but to have the whole world watching and talking about it makes it seem much more traumatic. Sometimes its probably better to guard your privacy fiercely at the cost of hurting a few nosy people rather than hurting yourself much more in the long run. Also being in the spotlight probably makes it more difficult to accept that  YOU are going through a rough patch, or even if you accept it, makes it difficult for you to speak to others about it openly or seek help, knowing that you are being watched all the time.
Gurudev (Sri Sri) says "Suicide is like throwing off your jacket when you are feeling really really cold." It is the body which is your instrument to express your feelings or solve your problems. If you throw off the body the soul is even more lost and has no means of expressing itself or the trauma it is going through.

We all usually want to live up to the image we have created for ourselves and we unmistakeably wear all the appropriate masks to live up to it. This is much more pronounced when you are in the spotlight.

A thought I carry forward from my earlier 'smartphone detox' post, lets take out time to have some heart to heart chats with close friends, with our guards down, and not hide behind empty meaningless and cool conversations alone. Lets drop these masks, be authentic, be ourselves, even if it means we might feel a little vulnerable. At least it will ensure that the people who are still with us knowing our insecurities truly deserve a special place in our lives.


And honestly if we dig a little deeper, we realise that each and every person has mostly the same insecurities in different forms and they are trying their best to cover them, just like you. I know this as a result of many heart-to-heart conversations with friends.

There's something nice I had read in Hindi - Agar dil khola hota doston ke saath, aaj nahi kholna padta auzaro ke saath...(Had we opened up our hearts to our friends, we wouldn't need to open it with a doctors instruments today). 

Cheers to more real conversations and a more real world for each of us. All types of people will always exist in the world, lets just try and make OUR world a little more real.
Love
Alpa

 

 

 

Winters and the smartphone detox

As I dropped D to his school bus in the morning, I couldn't resist taking a walk in the beautiful cool winter morning. I don't enjoy extreme cold climates so I love Mumbai Winters
That nip in the air,

The lovely soothing smell of the exhausted fires, that the watchmen light every night to keep warm, wafting through the air,

The bright colourful pink Bougainvillea and red Hibiscus flowers in full bloom offering a contrast to the cool weather.

The leaves on the tree have a distinct quality of being fresh although not wet, much like the sweaters people are sporting. Not washed fresh, yet fresh!
The soothing temple bells as people fight the morning urge to sleep in some more and ensure they make it for their morning date with God..
That lovely feeling as a cuppa hot ginger tea makes its way down your throat and touches your heart

The sweet taste of fruits and veggies

That little bit of cold in the air is so energising.....like you want to run and do a full weeks work in a day.

Sunshine is really warm and soothes the soul. It’s one of those rare times in the year that you actually bless the sun in Mumbai and not run away or hide from it.
Winters and monsoon are my most favourite seasons.

Enjoying nature is a very normal feeling, but it is not so normal for most of us these days in the fast paced lives we live.

Last few weeks have seemed very dull for me somehow...
Hubby and me have been wanting to go away on a small break but due to my pronounced last trimester-linked discomfort, we've not been able to move out.
But I did get my break - I have to thank nature though.
As Paulo Coelho says in Alchemist - if you really want something, the whole universe conspires to make it happen (he did say it before Shah Rukh Khan in Paheli ;)).

My smartphone conked off a week ago. In hindsight I think it was the best thing that happened in this New Year :). Am temporarily using a really basic version of the Nokia phone (No camera either), and I do feel quite liberated honestly. I have actually gotten around to doing things that I have been procrastinating for so long, and just about begun enjoying life and nature once again.

So I did get my break- the same relaxation and state of mind was achieved just by being away from a smartphone. Didn't need to go to another place. LOL

Realize how attached we are to our smart phones and how much control they have over our lives. We are compulsively checking for latest updates on the market, news, friends and family!

 

I have been feeling this phone fatigue since a while now. Especially because of these various group which are created to keep in touch but end up being a forum to send mostly jokes and forwards. I think these forwards are more an escape for us to substitute for quality time that we are not able to spend with friends and family. I had anyway stopped reading most forwards and jokes for the past one month.

 

It’s true that there will also be some important messages and work related stuff you miss out and since you have progressed in technology so much you don’t have old fashioned back-up processes in place. But it was a small price to pay. The smartphone detox was good and badly needed!!!!

I've decided to hang on a while till I buy the new smartphone in my life....till I get used to living without its control...let’s see how long it lasts.

Cheers

Alpa