The Importance of knowing yourself and having the right partner

I started writing this post 6 months ago and couldn't get beyond the title. And somehow just as soon as I saw Imtiaz Ali's movie "Tamasha” and loved it, (Ya, i know I probably lost a few of you there ;), I was inspired to complete this blog. 

The importance of knowing yourself

We can’t be successful at relationships with others if we don't know ourselves. 

Remember that movie -"Runaway Bride", starring Julia Roberts and Richard Gere. Julia Roberts would run away from the altar at each of her many weddings. She wasn't ready to commit to marriage as she really didn't know herself (she realized this at the end of the movie of course)

She would change herself whenever she was in “love”, to mirror what her partner liked/wanted. Like a reflection in the water. So neither did she know who she really was, neither did her partner. 

She had to spend some time alone and single, and discover her "I" in order to say "I love YOU" the way it was meant to be said.

(There are also some people who NEED to forget their "I" as their "EGO" is so big, they don’t have space for anyone else.;) )

Imtiaz Ali’s Tamasha too, is about Ved (Ranbir Kapoor) discovering that "I". Ved, a boy who’s free story-telling spirit gets crushed under the tracks of the 'Engineering' train. Imtiaz so beautifully depicted Ved’s spirit slowly dying with each heart-wrenching scream in the middle of his engineering course, as he killed his wishes and spirit to make his father happy.

Going against our spirit/nature has more side - effects on our life than we imagine. This is not to be taken lightly.

The book "Thinking fast and slow" by Nobel Prize Winner, Daniel Kahneman mentioned a study that was conducted by Baumeisters group that has repeatedly found that an effort of will or self-control is tiring; If you have had to force yourself to do something, you are less able to exert self-control when the next challenge comes around. The effect of this is compounded every time you do something against your will. The phenomenon has been named ego depletion. 

Side effects of ego depletion include :

Overspending on impulsive purchases

Reacting aggressively to provocation

Persisting less time in a handgrip task

Performing poorly in cognitive tasks and logical decision making

Deviating from ones diet

 These are just tested side effects. These effects when compounded over years, totally change the quality of your life and thoughts. They can make you an unhappy, ever-complaining, obese or grumpy person. This is also the kind of behaviour that makes us easy prey to emotional manipulation by others, getting us deeper and deeper in that hole. Can you imagine how many things in our life can go wrong just by going against our true calling?

I have let myself be a victim of Ego depletion in the past and spent many years facing the terrible consequences. It’s not a nice place to be. I’m really grateful I could get myself out of that state with the help of some great family and friends, relatively soon and am left richer with the experience.

Importance of finding the right partner

Focus back to ‘Tamasha’ - Slowly over the years Ved’s free spirit was silenced and he morphed into a boring corporate drone - until he met someone on a holiday at an exotic location, Corsica, Tara (Deepika Padukone), who made that spirit resurface and loved him for it. The location and being on a holiday away from routine also is a huge factor in the spirit resurfacing because as soon as he got back to routine he became the same boring person, even when he was in a relationship with Tara, later.

A superb scene, where Tara dumps Ved – as she says he is not the same person she met in Corsica, and he tells her – This is who I am. I’m not that guy you met in Corsica, I was acting then. I AM like this. I am boring.

And Tara tells him. Don’t you realise that you are the guy I met in Corsica – you are acting now. This is not who you are.  

The scene so beautifully brings up the contradictions and self-beliefs that we face and live with in life as well as the power of belief! Beliefs are way stronger than facts.

A change in belief can change your life!

How Ved’s partner perceived him made him resolve the contradiction he had in his mind about who he really was.

This, my friends, is the importance of having the right partner!

I'm blessed to be with a partner who helped me to take charge and get out of that Ego-depletion zone and be the best me i can be!

Be the right partner! Find the right partner!