When you are being kind to someone or nice to someone, are you doing it for them or for yourself??
Take a minute and think about this.
I used to think (sometimes still think) i am a very "NICE" girl. It was (and sometimes still is) part of my identity for many years of my life so far, that's who i was. Always got along with everyone, called everyone proactively, be it aunts, friends, cousins, remembered everyone's birthdays, was always there whenever anything needed to be done, didn't hold grudges, didn't feel bad about others actions, always gave way too much benefit of doubt, forgave and forgot super quickly (still do). My siblings had to bear the brunt of my "niceness" as they were being constantly compared to me!!
And all this i did without expecting anything in return. (except of course sub-consciously i expected people to like me and think of me as a good girl). And i did get the desired results - i was always known as the "good girl", elders in my house (we were a joint family 7 adults and 5 children stayed in our ancestral bungalow and we always had some guests dining or staying with us) used to give my example to all other children and i felt loved and cherished and really happy in that space. I met similar friends and as i got very active in the Art of Living, i met similar people, so i was in a good place.
With all this i must add at this point i wasn't very tactful or skillful and couldn't see things as they were, i had a very rosy view of the world, but hey, with so much niceness and goodness who needed tact?? !! ;)
(Nice actions + Good Intention ) * Environment 1 = Desired results = Happy me
Then later in life, as i moved out from the protective environment of my home, moved to another city, started working, got married, i realised that the same approach didn't give the same results. People didn't really automatically appreciate who i was and the 'niceness' i thought i was spreading. They had not grown up with me. They did not know my established reputation. Didn't care about me unconditionally, and hey i'd grown up. How long did i expect nature to keep these people hidden from me and not let them cross my path?? This kind of phenomenon is probably part of growing up for most people in some way or form. So all in all i was in such a soup.
(Nice action + Good Intention) * Environment 2 = Bad results = Me not happy
I had become a victim of my Environment. I had let the environment affect me and make me feel that i was not good enough.
Albert Einsteins' quote says it best - "Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
So me, the lovely fish, swimming the seven seas was expected to climb trees and hey i was even being judged on it!!
My self-confidence and self - worth went for a toss. Slowly i realised the "happy, loving caring, understanding, spreading joy and enthusiasm person" went into hiding - and was replaced by someone who was not me. I had become very defensive, and was not a beacon for people to look upto anymore.
My point is - i went through the tough time only because MY need to maintain the "nice" tag was so high that i forgot to be SMART!!! I compromised on my self-esteem, my self-respect, and my support system in many ways, in order to be liked and accepted by my new and changing environment. I was scared to upset the proverbial apple cart!!
I started believing it was my job to climb trees - and started feeling inadequate as i couldnt do it so well. I also allowed other monkeys to make me feel inadequate! I forgot i was a fish and swimming is what i do best ! (elaborating on Einsteins Quote!) :)
Perhaps i had to learn tact and skill, which i sorely lacked. As the only way to learn swimming is to jump in the pool. Nature probably wanted me to apply and implement all the life knowledge i had heard from Sri Sri - so it decided to give me an environment to learn it and test it. :)
What i learnt is - Be nice if you must - Dont be a pushover!
If you throw your pearls at a pig, you cant blame the pig for not valuing them. Its your fault for not valuing your pearls enough.
Know your strengths and live by your own benchmarks.
Dont let anyone tell you - "YOU CANT DO IT" or that ITS BEYOND YOUR CAPACITY!
Dont settle for unhappiness and dont live somebody else's life...
Its your life - make it count!!
All miracles happen beyond your comfort zone!!!!
I have now moved out of my "NICE" comfort zone!! :)
When are you moving out of yours??
Love,
Alpa
